An Update: God’s Steadfast Love and Mercy towards me

I have not posted in awhile because of the busyness of life. I never updated my supporters on all the amazing things that happened in Haiti. I didn’t post my summary of my studies in Israel. Life has been so hectic and I feel like I’m drowning, but for a quick update:

After coming back from Israel, I job-searched for two months with no avail. Eventually, I went back up to the Bay Area for the CBM Counselor’s meeting, then to get two emails for interviews at Macy’s and Apple through much prayer, so I drove back down, got a job at Apple (both of them liked me but Macy’s had no positions open so they put me on a waitlist for possible job openings where I would not need to interview again). After my 3rd interview with Apple, I counseled an amazing week at CBM camp, and being known as the intense counselor, used an abundance of Scripture to cut to the heart of my campers quite bluntly, then came back for a week of training into working.

In this time, I also was accepted into The Master’s Seminary to pursue an M. Div. degree. This is the end of week 3 already, 20% of classes over, and I’m struggling to not drown in school, work, and ministry. I’ve already dropped two classes because of my struggle to balance so many things, becoming a part-time student.

The ministry internship that I speak of is with Community Christian Alliance Church where I serve. I’m starting a new research project titled Interfellowship Research & Integration for the purpose of seeing how we can naturally lead interaction not just between horizontal age/peer groups but vertically across different demographics, ages, and communities. This is a huge undertaking that may take many years, but my heart is for the church to act as a biblical church beyond American cultural church, where church has become institutionalized to the point where neglect of interfellowship communities are very present. This has been a calling of God, integrating my training at Eternity Bible College/Cornerstone Simi, intensive studies of the scriptures, and Pastor Danny Bae’s message on the topic and his frustration over certain operations of the general church and also specifically our college group. God convicts heavily through scripture and the simple question of “Do I really believe this? Is this what we look like?”

This past week has been very difficult for me and has caused my soul to become downcast. Between living off very little finances and the required time commitments of work, grad school, and ministry, things seem to be coming apart. I feel my flesh tell me, “Was it worth it to give up so much and end up like this?” My great discouragement has been difficult to deal with and although my selfishness wants to just give up, I can’t, because I know that who I serve is absolute truth, the definer of truth, and that anything else I could do would be fleeting and vain.

“He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose.”-Jim Elliott

Knowing truth, especially that this truth is absolute, is my motivator through the Holy Spirit. I’m a soldier behind enemy lines and no matter the frustration and no matter how low my soul becomes, there is nothing else to turn to, there is no truth outside that which is defined by the Creator. That is why I can fight for the Kingdom until my dying day. That is why my own strength will never suffice, and my strength has to die that I may rely on the strength of an omnipotent Lord.

How can I draw on joy in moments like this? חסד. There is nothing like it. The Hebrew word that we try to translate as the perfect, steadfast loving kindness of our Lord. It is steadfast and unwavering towards his people. It is mercy beyond definition, of which we only understand glimpses of. I know my faith will waver, I know my trust in our Lord will not be perfect in this lifetime. As I have been in a state of constant desire to cry because of the situation, I will be sustained by יהוה, my King and ultimate.

This is where God now teaches me that he is the one who sustains me and my faith, I don’t sustain my faith. He is the one who perfects my faith, not me. He is the one who supplies, not in my working and abilities. I also need to remember that the Holy Spirit has been poured out abundantly on me, not scarcely!

“God’s work, done God’s way, will never lack God’s supply.” –Hudson Taylor.

Please continue in prayer for me, communion with me, and let us be Christ to each other, my dear brothers and sisters in Christ. I need you guys more than ever.

in His grip,